Lost, Found, Joy, and Parties

I have had many hours of thinking time. I sit and feed Juliet for long stretches, and since she is a sleepy eater- I have tons of pondering time. I have been somewhat surprised with some of my thoughts, while others may be thinking- "uh...it took you THAT long to see that???" I myself have been somewhat startled by my discoveries.

I know I was lost. After losing babies and feeling so alone and powerless, I really was lost. I found my personality farther and farther from one that I recognized. The Gabrielle I knew was buried far away, and I did not know how to dig her out. As time went on, I saw her emerging, and you know, I thought she was back! It has only just come to my attention that a smaller, sadder, and more cautious version is the one who was found, not the real thing. She has just barely made her appearance, and I thought she was already out! I see myself being the same old me the last week or so. I did not realize how guarded and afraid I was...I knew it on SOME level- but I must have been more depressed than I thought. I am feeling like myself. I can see it in my words and actions, and everything! I am actually really shocked about how happy I am. I thought I was great with little Juliet on the way, and seemingly fine, but I was holding back- I guess, and now I feel like that wall has finally come down.

I am sure I am not explaining this nearly well enough. Maybe someone else can see it. Kira says I look ridiculously happy all the time...Nicole says I am just plain ridiculous...(especially last night when I was wearing a "wacky hat" for relief society) I would think I would be somewhat of a mess since David is so busy, the only time I see him is when I am up in the middle of the night feeding Juliet, and I can see him in our bed sleeping away. But I am not a mess...not at all...the house on the other hand...is a total mess!

I used to have the whole being a mom, wife, cook, and maid thing down. At the moment I am managing the mom thing...the rest not so much! Aaaahhhh!

I wish I could share how dark my world was, and how is so gone now. How I can be grateful for the loss of my little ones NOW- in light of my huge blessing. I wish I could show my sincere gratitude for everyone around me, putting up with me, and staying by me thorough such a hard time, and I wish people wanted to share in my elation now! A party seems in order... A baby blessing party will probably be my next party- and I pray everyone can feel my joy like I do. Its bursting at my seams...and my seams are re-enforced!

My little joy is waking in the other room...I can hear her little grunty-ness. She is so precious. Kira says it best- "Mom, its like we have had her forever!" Totally Kira.