For my husband,

Happy Anniversary David! Seeing as I was only 19 (BARELY) when we were married- I see how blessed we are! To have found someone who is so wonderful, and so suited for me at such a young (and idiotic!) age. We could have continued to grow up and grow apart, but that is just something that we would have not let happen! I know how we have worked and strived to grow together. Look how that has payed off. I am so thankful for you, and love you more than I ever knew possible 15 years ago. As excited as I was that (HORRIBLY) hot hot day, it pales in comparison to how excited I am to be married to you for ANOTHER 15 years. I thought I could see your thoughts in your eyes back then...I don't even need to be in the same city as you now to know what you are thinking. I LOVE how we think the same, and agree on everything. When we don't...its only because I am hungry, tired, or pregnant. In other words- totally irrational! I love how you are brave and daring. I love how you worry about me and our sweet babies. I love how you take care of everyone around us, how you are aware of others needs and volunteer your services no matter at the inconvenience to you. I love your huge heart, and your love for children. Not just ours. What ever child you see. I love your ability to take care of my minor catastrophes and I love how you let me take care of yours- even though you hardly need me at all. I love how you volunteer me for stuff without asking- because you know I LOVE to help people. I love how you give me "the look" when I volunteer you to do things. I love how you deal with the teenage drama- when my brain is about to explode with irritation. I love how we want the SAME french doors. If I could go back and erase some of the trials in the past, I don't think I would. They have helped us grow into the unit that we are. Thankfully and wonderfully the best we can be this day. We can only get better in the next 15 years. Thank you Love. For everything. You are fabulous- and I even like your crazy junk, every wire, your PINK, your soldering irons, your pieces, parts, and bolts. I will take whatever it is that comes with you. EVEN tripping over your giant clown shoes in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom. Loves forevers- Gabrielle

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I can't find my camera battery charger. Why it is EVER not in the camera bag is beyond me. I have a million things I want to take a picture of- nope. If you have seen it- let me know!
Few things-
Friday Dave officially has been hit by the economic crisis the country is in. We are lucky really- because I guess we expected it sooner. He was cut one day a week. Its terrifying. I have no idea how things will work out. He still does have a job, and they expect more work in January. I will actually LOVE having him home an extra day a week- but since we will have no money, we will not be going anywhere fun! We have tried to prepare for this. We have cut out EVERY extra, trying to pay extra on things, but we needed more time! (Don't we all!) A few things I wish we would have done, but what can we do now?
Mom took Jordan on an "Elmer" day. She took him to the movies, bought him popcorn, went shopping, and cut his hair. He LOVED it! He told us he did not need a "Elmer day" all the time- but a "Jordan" day would work too! I guess its the first alone day he has had with Nanny in about 6 years! Wow! She brought him home on the 24th, and we had a yummy BBQ with her, Bonnie, Aaron and kids, and Everyone here. It was nice.

Saturday I started by cleaning the church. It was SWELTERING in there! I was a sweaty as a triathlete! (and without the nice muscles!) I then went into Salt Lake with some friends and the kids to meet a friend of ours who has moves to Missouri. We sure miss her. Fun times.
Our stake did a family fun day that evening, games, food, and swimming. We enjoyed the games and food. Dave trying to take on the teenagers at tug of war- pretty FUNNY!I guess I am done bantering. Pretty boring I guess. I have been pretty good- but last night I had a hard night- thinking of our sweet little angel baby. I know he is ok- but I sure just miss him. I know he knows I love him so much and is just waiting for me. Someday.

See the red gleam in my eye???

I have to sneak this on here. Every time I bring up the fact that the kids have to go back to school uniforms, they shoot me the DAGGER eye! I find it completely comical because when they went to OPA, they loved it. Every second- they liked the uniform, and never complained...BUT NOW! I am the DEVIL mom! Makes me laugh. Just wait. I have other EVIL things in store for my children! The coming weeks- I may be sent to DEVIL mom JAIL- as they will have to start having a.... DUM DUM DUM.......BEDTIME. MANDATED homework time. Chores...serious chores. and yes- the most demented, horrible, devilish thing of all... going back to school!

Please. PLEASE don't send the Evil Mom Police after me. I am only doing what is best for them. I PROMISE!

Look! She is 34 too!

I have learned so much in the last few weeks. So much that you would be reading this from now until Next Tuesday. Today I just have to share one thing.
I Love my life.
I love my dear sweet husband, who the sun rises and falls with in my little world. I love my amazing children, who keep me laughing and trying for. The thoughtful things that just tumble out of their mouths- WITHOUT thought- it is just a gift children possess. (Why do we lose that???) People who have served with kind words and deeds. How they are touched to make my day easier is Divine- no doubt about it. My All Knowing Father in Heaven , who knows me well enough to take care of me the way I needed.
The Love all around me fills my heart, and fills the empty spaces. I am so very blessed. Grateful for such.

On my Birthday, my family all came together to surprise me. We had a great dinner, and yummy desserts. My mom even gave me something I had wanted for a while... (its a little foot pedal to sit where ever you are- like under a desk - to get a bit of a workout. I had wanted it for the countless hours spent breastfeeding- like killing two birds with one stone... but now, not so important...) There is this picture on the box of a woman about...55-60. My mom had put a caption- "Look! She is 34 too!!!" Tell me she was not inspired to write that- instead of wrap it?! I laughed so hard- I could have pee'd myself! It was so stinking funny! Laughter- for me- is amazing medicine!!!! So happy Birthday to me! 34! How did that happen????
Thank you to everyone. Really.

update!

I AM LOSING MY MIND!!!! Kira has done nothing but cry all day today, Its not even noon!
Who ever unhooked her littlest pet sop dog's hat- IS GOING TO BE KILLED- BY ME!

Eating clothes

I just can't get over losing our baby. I am still just so sad. I don't know why- logically why I am so sad still. I mean- I am feeling lots lots better- besides the headache I can't get rid of from crying all the dang time. I know the baby is safely in heaven and does not have to go through the trials of life of Earth. I know that we are an eternal family. But the ILLOGICAL part of my mind just can't GET OVER IT! Grrr. That actually annoys me!

SOOOO I have decided that when I get sad- I will go whatever I can can in my power to change it! I was sitting alone feeling lonely and sorry for myself- but I have decided I can't do that! Lori threw together a last minute girls night for me and it helped TONS! I have gone for a walk, called a friend, asked to babysit Samantha, and make cookies for the kids. One thing that has helped a lot- is every time I get sad, I try to remember somthing that made me laugh. One such occasion came to my mind that had me laughing out loud again. Its so stinking cute- I thought I would write it down in case I forgot it!
When Jordan was almost 3 and Nicole almost 5 I went up to the Cache County Fair with my mom. We wandered in the heat, looking at the booths and eating snow cones. Jordan was being pushed around in the stroller. My mom saw a booth with Cotton Candy and bought a pink and a blue one. Nicole- who had the pleasure of eating cotton candy before started on hers, while Jordan took a handful and looked at it skeptically. I said "Jordan, its yummy look!" I took a piece and popped it into my mouth. STILL he did not trust it- so my mom gave it a go. "Mmmm its sweet!" Nope- nothing- So I pulled off a piece and put it into his sweet little mouth. Jordan gags and says "Its Clothes!" When I questioned him about it he shuddered again and said "Ew! It tastes like CLOTHES!" I don't know how long it took my Mom or I to stop laughing. To this day we call Cotton candy- Clothes- and it gives me a moment to forget I am sad!

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

I always tease Kira about being my baby. I tell her all the time, Nicole and Jordan are naughty horrible children because when I told them I was taking away their birthdays so they would stay little they told me NOOOOOO! Kira has graciously decided to give up her birthdays so she can remain my little girl forever and ever! She did have ONE condition. She always says that I had to wait until she was eight, so she could get baptized. THEN She would agree to stop growing and having birthdays. A sweet, little, baptized girl! I mean what a doll, with her priorities straight! I just love her! Here is a picture I stole from Kelli- because her and Myah just look like tlittle perfect angels. they way we wish they could stay forever...and will in a mommy's heart!

Kira was SO excited for her big day! She took a shower the night before- so she could "Just wake up and focus on my important day!" Dave and Kira had to be at the Stake center by 9 am. I thought it was CRAZY early- considering that it did not start until 12 but when I saw that 13 kids were getting babtized, I guess it may have taken that long to get everyone sized, clothed, changed, and photographed! I came with the rest of the family at 9:30- to BARELY being able to get a seat! SOOO many people came to support her! (I was so grateful, because I was barely hangin' by a thread!) I remember when I was baptized- EVERYONE in the entire family was there- except for my Uncle Steve who was in Guam, and My cousin Malia, who was "lost." (long Story...) So I KNOW Kira will remember how her family came to support her! All of her Aunts, Uncle's, Cousins, Grandparents, and friends came except for Uncle Family, who were driving halfway acrossed the country. It was great!

After she came up out of the water, I just saw her grinning- the biggest Kira grin- I have ever seen! She was so excited. I went into the dressing room with her to change out of her white clothes into her beautiful priness dress I bought her. She looked like the sweetest little doll. I cried. And then cried some more! I am so proud of her! She so wanted to be a baptized member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! I am so happy! She told me that she felt so good, and happy inside. She said she felt "warm" inside. Cute little dolly. A sweet boy in our ward- Kelton, was also baptized that day! she loves him! I am happy they were able to share their day!
We had a delicious brunch afterwards, where the whole family helped. (thank goodness! I was SO tired!) We fed about 60 people. We had so much food- and by 3:00 there was NOTHING left. Crazy! It was such a wonderful day- even though it was still very hard for me, how could I have expected her to wait! She was so thrilled! I just love her tooo much!

So now- my beautiful baby girl is eight. She is baptized. And if you notice her not growing, or aging, its because her and I have a deal. She has to stay my little girl for the rest of her life!

Moving in the right direction?

I am getting behind. Even though (for me) life kinda stopped a week ago, things have still been moving along without me. I guess its time for me to stop being so self involved, and move with it...but its just so hard! I am still trying to deal with the idea of not being pregnant, still feeling bad that I am SO HAPPY, to get a BREAK from being pregnant- thought I would change it in a heartbeat, if I could have our baby back, and so emotionally drained, I forget which is up and which is left right now. I thought I was doing pretty good finally... then Friday came. Oh how Friday kicked me in the butt and set me back the 5 days I had survived. I feel like I am back on day 3. I just miss him so badly. I wish it would have happened before I was so attached and dreaming of his little face. Maybe that would have been worse. I don't know. I have had the most amazing friends during this time! I have had DELICIOUS food brought to me, chocolates, flowers, letters, phone calls, hugs, and talks. they have meant the world to me! I hope I am going to survive when people move on, and I have not! I am so scared for that! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I must write a few things, before I forget about them. Not that they were not important, I am just not in a place to think about much right now.
The day before we lost the baby, we were lucky enough to have a fun breakfast at Cherry Hill with David's family. Everyone except for Micheal was there, and I think it was really great for Dave to see everyone. (I think he is bombarded by Robisons and Woods so much, he may even start to think he is one!) It was a lovely day for him and the kids. I was not doing well AT ALL- but that was back when I was pregnant and I was never doing very well! ( I was feeling so icky I did not take any pictures and I have to steal them form everyone else!)

This is Uncle Paul and Aunt Carma. Dave's FAVE Aunt and Uncle. They are so sweet and loving. We love them! Dave and I have driven to Oregon and visited 3 times. So cute.

I went to Idaho and Kelli took care of me (seriously the sweetest thing in the whole entire world) for 2 nights. My kids had a wonderful time, and I am glad the kids can say they actually did SOMETHING this summer! I was so out of it- I again took no pictures!

Last night after dinner (which I made...Can you believe it??????????) we decided to take a Sunday Drive. We decided that we were doing to FINALLY drive up Middle Canyon and see if you really could see into the Mine from the backside. Holy cow! It was amazing! So incredibly fantastic! Come to Tooele, Let us take you up there!!!!! Sadly, we only had the Iphone with us for pictures. The pictures do not show the AMAZING scale of this giant hole! It was shocking! It was way way up there, and on the way down we had a GORGEOUS view of Utah Lake- but so worth it! We also made a campfire near the bottom and had some s'mores! Mmmm!

Michelle brought me a little gift that made my heart so happy- I kinda cried my eyes out- but it was the nicest gift I have ever received. She brought me the little blue one. I love it!
Kira was baptized this weekend and it was so wonderful, and so important, and such a great day it deserves a post of its own. Tomorrow.

Sad, lonely, peace

I always say more than I should on the blog. I figure that if people do not want to ready my craziness- they do not have to. So be forwarned- it may all be more than you want to know. Feel free to skip!

Yesterday -early- I lost our baby. It is beyond my untalented fingers to type the words of sadness I feel.
The profound loss is undefinable. We wanted our baby so badly- and to have it taken back is just awful. Yet my heart and soul are filled with peace. Peace that he is ok. Peace that my family is forever. Peace that my Father in Heaven knows of our desire for another child. Peace that I don't have to understand all things to know that I will be blessed through my trials, and peace that it was not our fault that he was unable to make his life here on Earth with us. I can just cherish the time I did have with him.

My goodness tho! So horrible! Going through the last 3 months of the worst misery I have ever lived for and NO BABY. Yuck! I can not wish that on my worst enemy! (You see- I have many. hahaha!) And Yesterday- no thanks- all that pain with nothing to look forward to at the end. again. No thanks. If it did not seem so cruel- it would almost be comical! But that is just me- trying to laugh instead of cry- to make it hurt a little less!

Another sad thing. Yes- its painful to even admit. I feel better today than I have in 3 months! I had fatigue, food aversions, and pain until 5 hours before I lost the baby. Strangely- none of it stopped until the baby was gone. So I finally feel ok- tho I would trade it all in a heartbeat to have him back.

My doctor was really wonderful. I had to go in yesterday to get my Rhogam shot. We spoke and he told me not to worry- I was perfectly healthy and all my pregnancies have been squeaky clean. We can have another one in a month if we want. (A month- would that make me feel like I was pregnant for an entire year??? oh yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck!)
I will not need a D&C thankfully- I just want to rest.

My dear sweet husband, who also lost a baby yesterday, who has taken such care of me. He has been amazing these last months. Really stepped up and did everything. Then took care of me through the pain, and my sorrow. He kept my mind busy all day yesterday, and if he did not have to work today, I am sure he would have done it all over again today. I love him so dearly. He is truley a perfect husband. (and has a great head of hair! heeheee heee.)

So here I sit. Sad beyond measure. Lonely for the little dimpley hands and knees that will not be mine to kiss- for a lifetime. At peace that my Heavenly Father loves me, is aware of me, and keeping my little guy safe until I have a chance to be there for him. My emotions are all over the place. I just want to feel happy. Even if its just for a moment. I will take my moments one at a time until the pain passes into a soft longing that I can deal with. I call, or a smile, or a beautiful daughter who tells me- "thanks for making me a big sister Mommy! I will be a good example for our baby in heaven." That does not make me sad. It gives me joy. Maybe I will go pick some flowers to put on my table to give me a moment of joy when I walk past them. (they will have to be someone ELSE'S flowers!) and I will live for the pain to diminish. Then dream (and dread) of when I can be pregnant again.

My connection to Voldemort

I had to re-read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Movie is in a few weeks and I want to have it fresh on my mind. Not to mention that the last time I read it- it was with a feverish hurry to find out what happened. So I picked it up Sunday night intent to have it done my July 17th. Meh- then I was ordered to spend the majority of this week on bed rest and yah- i finished it yesterday afternoon. Argh- I was planning on not needing to start something new for awhile. Oh wait...getting totally OFF track.

In the HBP Harry and Dumbledore discuss Horcruxes. (No spoilers- I promise!) They recall how after Voldemort's life was shattered, he was living a "half-life, not dead yet not alive." There I am laying in bed, tired, sick, and required to stay put, and I am feeling sorry for Voldemort! I am LIVING a half- life. (lol This is how I FEEL!) I am not dead, yet not alive! I feel horrible, more tired than possible, and life just rolls along around me while I LAY THERE! I finally put the book down and have a good laugh cry at myself. What a dork I am! I thought it was a comical moment.This Lady needs a BOOK!!!

At some point I will feel better- and be able to up again. Its totally annoying. when I was pregnant with Nicole- I was sick near the end and was on 3 weeks bedrest. Doctor told Dave I had to LAYING DOWN 23 hours a day! I thought I was going to go insane. But ti was so much easier than the last 2 days...I had no kids- so none of that to deal with, no MESS that just keeps piling higher and higher... (What exactly is a washing machine???) and I at least had cable! I HOPE its just for these few days- I will not make it until 2010 if I have to stay down. Please- bring morphine.

Well- I am off to relate to Voldemort- living my half life- not being dead, but not quite alive. If anyone finds the Elixer of life, bring it over. I need it. Maybe this is how Bauer feels all the time.