huge apology

The last few days I have been editing the last year of my blog before printing. (yah- I print it up for journal purposes...why do you think I put SO many pictures on here!!!???)
I have to apologize for putting you through misspelled word purgatory. I can't BELIEVE how many words are misspelled in this jumbly mess of a blog! OF COURSE I fix all the red underlined words from my mad, speed, demon typing skills- but maybe foxfire falls asleep and lets some DOOZYS get by!

So world-

I AM TOTALLY SORRY YOU HAVE BEEN SUBJECTED TO MY SPELLING MISHAPS.

Please forgive me.

End of roads and revisions

I think I need to revise the way I pray. I suppose its a lesson we all learn, and I really am OK with the lesson. Something I am willing to learn and change. Maybe everyone goes through this at one time or another. Its kinda funny really, when I sit down and think about it. Not that my Father in Heaven is teasing me into being 100% specific- I know that is not it! I know my trials are mine, and I have to live them and wear my badge of survival with pride afterwards. I just get to be grateful for every lesson on the way- including being more specific!

I have been praying for at least 8 months that Dave's boss would get more work. I was fortunate to have been blessed with the knowledge that they would get more work soon. I felt a comforting calm, each time I prayed for them. I was thrilled to have that "inside" knowledge and reassured Dave all the time, that it would work out. He is a big stresser- but who can blame him. He pays our bills and knows just how slim we have to pull our belts! He knows he will be unable to find gainful employment in this ridiculous economy, and the even MORE ridiculous government who are clueless as to how to solve it. (another story!) But I told Dave I KNEW work was coming.

Tears of joy and gratitude were shed by me when he told me- they did get more work. Maybe not enough for a year, but more work none the less. Again with my prayers of thanksgiving. BUT I should have known better. When it rains- it pours- and all this while I have been praying for the firm to get more work, I should have been praying that Dave would maintain his employment! NEEDED to be a hair more specific- like...Dave will still need that job when the work comes in. Ha ha. I guess my lesson is learned!

I am not angry. Really I am not! I am indeed grateful that my prayers were answered for other families. Others who have children to feed, homes to keep, and bills to pay. I am not angry that this is a trial that Dave and I have to face. worried? Extremely! I am terrified of losing my home, the home I was lead to by my faith, and having no where to go! I do know that my faithful husband would do everything in his power to prevent that. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me, and wants me to happy. Mostly I know He wants me to learn, and I will- I will learn whatever I need to, and be grateful for it. Including - being a little more specific in my prayers.

being honest with myself

Oh can I get in the head not hurting line? This is terrible. I can't figure out why it is STILL going on. I am so sick of it I could scream.

But screaming I will not do. Won't help.

Things are going. I know the rest of the world goes on like nothing has happened. For everyone else- nothing has happened. I get it. But for me- we lost the dream of our sweet little baby- the sweet little baby I was ASSURED by the doctor 5 days before we lost it, was totally viable and healthy! The sweet little blob whose heart beat left me in the happiest tears I have had in such a long time! Now we move on, AGAIN- but its only my pain, my burden, because for everyone else- it was not yet a person of interest yet.

That is the part that hurts most.

If you ask how I am doing- the answer is: I am fine. Thanks for asking.

If I am honest- the answer would be: Hurting. wondering why we know there os a baby waiting to come to be with us, and we can't seem to get it here. Call me tomorrow, I may need a friend. Maybe you should take me out for Thai food, it always helps.

Its not easy being honest. not when I am supposed to be fine, and the rest of the world has moved on. I am supposed to forget too right?

I have a sweet little picture of our baby. After going to the doctor, and knowing we were losing our baby- only to be ASSURED it was fine, she handed me a picture of the little cute blob, saying, "here is your baby's first picture!" Try - your baby's only picture. what do i do with it??? I look at it, and it fills me with joy. and pain. Do I keep it? I should show you- it was the cutest little baby blob you ever saw. I have no idea what to do with it.

My OB assures me, we can make this work, and fix my hormone levels to stop evicting my babies, but how I possibly be brave enough to put my heart on the line AGAIN??? How can I go through the yucky first three months of pregnancy again??? Maybe it will be a sure bet that we would have the easiest baby on the plant...hmmm that just might make it worth it! hahaha.

My kids are fantastic. No thanks to their crazy mother at the moment. Nicole told me that she has been trying really hard in science this week and got an A on a quiz. I laughed at her as she seemed surprised that all she had to do was listen really well to get an A. She is used to having to study like crazy- to earn one. Well, after years of playing catch up, being on level is easy! She was excited. Kira is blowing everyone away with her skills of all kinds at school- she creamed everyone in her subjects- and now she figured out she can act! Loving Drama club was even a shock to her. (not to me thou- moms know these things.) Jordan is so flexible- a trait he did not get from Dave. (Dave has to mentally prepare for everything!) there was not enough room for him in Art- so yah- he is taking PE for the second time this year. I find it irritating, but he told me he has friends in that class he has not had in any other class this year. funny kid. At least my kids are the world's best... couldn't put on my happy face without them!

and wow holy cow- I am so sick of my head hurting. 10 days with this migraine now. It makes me so tired, sad, and frustrated all the time. It is GOING to get better- it HAS to- I am ready to move on from this migraine and not look forward to the next!!!

Books, Zombies, and Babies

My Dad gave us a gift card to my favorite store in the world for Christmas. In fact- its the only gift card I care for. We had $50 to the magical world of Barnes and Noble, and the search begins for books for all. Every time we go into the place, the kids no- I can't say no to a new book. %50 dollars- I KNEW was not going to go very far- so I opted out of a book- since I am reading one- and found 2 on the book mobile this week, which are waiting for me, and sent my family into the land of wonders.

Dave found a book he has been asking for, Jordan bought a science fiction novel, Nicole picked up 2 curious George books, (I know- she is 14, but the kid is not a huge reader and she wants the whole collection of curious George) and Kira wanted a book on her level- which is about 6th grade. Its hard to find books for an 8 year old on that level, but we have gone to these abridged classics collection. She has read Robinson Crusoe, Peter Pan, and the Secret Garden from it. She went to the section and asked if she could get Dracula. (That's my girl for ya!!!) Funny!

We then went to Chellee's and Timm's. We should have gone first! Timm had this book about zombies that was written totally as a Haiku! It is supposed to be really funny, for instance, My mom makes good speghetti, she probably tastes good. Nicole grabbed it and spent the entire time there reading it! she laughed and read, laughed and read! She ended up reading the entire book from front to back and now wants another book by the same author. If you know Nicole at all- this is a rarity- her being on grade level with reading is not because she wants to be- but because I have to pull teeth to keep her there!!!

Jack made me a present. That boy is a special boy. He knows how I adore little ones- and LETS me enjoy him! Usually little ones only like people they spend lots and lots of time with, but Jack knows how I need his fat little knuckles and sweet little hugs, and hands them to me freely! He also loves his Uncle Dave and spent time being his little buddy too. Thank you Jack for being out little guy too, and thank you Chellee for sharing you baby with us! It has been about the hardest weekend I have ever had. The 10 day Migraine is NOT helping. While my head pounds and pounds, I have had many other pains to deal with. Dave is nothing short of a miracle worker, and great friends, who know, just what it is to be a friend, have made survival possible! Prayer too- lost with out it. things are looking better each day, and thank goodness for that- in the mean time- anyone who wants to take me out to Pad Thai, is more than welcome! (Thanks Honey!)

Hurt Feelings.

I just hate feelings. I just hate them. I hate the sad stuff, and the hard stuff, and the irritating stuff, and the maddening stuff, the only good feeling are happy ones, and those I can handle! I mostly hate having hurt feelings, and boy do I have them in spades right now! Several people who make me feel so unimportant, small, and not worthy of their time. People whom I love and call family in one way or another, and I just do not know how to deal with it!!! I really don't! I am just so darn needy right now, and this is totally not helping. Leaves me feeling lost, confused, and well, dirt on the bottom of a shoe.

I did not throw a pity party for myself. Really. I just want to figure out how to DEAL with this. How do I make it OK in my heart? I am beginning to think that I can't and its just a flaw in my life I have to get over. TOTALLY not easy. I need to go on vacation. Away from all my hurt and disappointment. I can't pull it off. hard.

In stead- I am going to try my new strategy. Pretending that I do not care- until I don't. My cirlce will just have to be smaller- and I do KNOW that the circle I do have- is amazing and wonderful. People who are real, true , and sincere. Feelings are shared on both sides- that cement just that- our circle.

Who knows if I am even strong enough to pull this off? I am kinda doubting it at the moment. but- yah. Gonna try.

more healing.

I keep having this terrifying thought that I am going to spend the next 4 months being lost and and sad every time I think of a sweet little baby. I was FINALLY ready and willing to be happy and found myself again when I was pregnant again. I SO do not wanna go through that again. Its hard to fathom that it will be easier this time, but in a way....sort of...it is. I know what feelinging I want to avoid, the bitterness, and anger...All the anger does is make me feel more sad and unproductive. Its just covering up what I really feel anyway, which is sad. For my loss or the fat dimply little knuckles I planned on kissing. Scared. Scared that I may have to put my self out there and risk it happening again. Confused. Confused as to why I keep feeling there is a baby out there for us, but we keep losing them???

Last night we decided to do something out of the house and fun. While we were driving Jordan told me that if we do decide to have another baby, "not to tell" him about it. He does NOT want to know I am pregnant-" until the baby is born." As laughable as that is- considering how icky I feel, and how humongous I will look, the poor kid is"sick of it" and hates hearing that his baby brother or sister has died. He said he does not want to "go through that ever again!" Poor kid- Mr. Tender heart. Well ya know Jordan- NEITHER DO I!!!

We all did have a great time together last night, and we laughed and enjoyed eachother's company. The kids missed Youth groups tonight- but our family NEEDED more than one family night this week. We needed to be together, and enjoy the unity we have as a family! I am so glad we went out.

I guess I better go get ready for work... oh has that been hard! I am on day 7 of a migraine. (Last miscarriage it was the 14 day migraine...remember??? Stupid hormone crashes!!!) But knowing last time it was 2 weeks- how am I supposed to not work?? I already took enough time off while I hurt like mad- and cried like a baby! So I go and suffer through my pain, and am a bit more snippy with my kids. I hope they understand someday. (my middle schoolers...they seem to be oblivious any way.) But being there also helps. Like a sweet little boy I work with. Ok- so he is extra special to me because we have this bond ya know... He comes running to me- because I have been gone for a week- and throws his arms around me. Pulls back all grins- puts his hands on my cheeks, and says- "You are sick?" I told him, "I am getting better." He smiles even bigger-( I do not know how its possible- but his can grow infinitely.) He nods and says. "Ok." My heart melted and his sweet perfect love added a few stitches to my broken heart. Really it did. I think of that moment when I need to feel his joy- and it adds a few more. I depend on others joy right now to boost mine- and his is so pure, it works wonders. I sure love that kid!

So between the best husband, who is filling my cup, my fabulous family, and our needed extra family nights, and my "other kids" we are getting there!