Sometimes I need to think more of my self. I beat myself up. My daughter always teases me. One day I made a series of really flighty mistakes. Nicole turned to me- and said- "Mom! What is up with you?" and I responded with the first thing that came to my head. "Wow! I hate being stupid. Its so annoying!" While it was a light moment and then we all laughed- I kinda think about that all the time.
When I make mistakes, I hate being stupid! Its so annoying.
When I let my thoughts turn to anger, I hate being stupid! Its so annoying!
When I get my feelings hurt over trivial stuff, I hate being stupid! Its so annoying!
When I am rather justified in my feelings, sad and angry, but KNOW being so upset that it takes a bit to really calm down, and I KNOW its not going to change the situation, and being angry is what the adversary wants from me, but it was so darned mean and thoughtless and rather hateful really- ITS NOT MY TEST! Its someone else's burden to deal with the game and treatment of people dear to my heart- There I am- being MAD at
MYSELF
because I hate being stupid! Its so ANNOYING!
Why of why and I so hard on myself. I am fun. I am kind. I am thoughtful. I am smart.
I am right?!
Man! I am hard on myself.
21 June, 2013
07 June, 2013
Lessons we have learned
I am going to write more. Say more. Keep a better history. I am a new person. A different person. The same person, but different. 4 years ago I was the same silly girls as I am today, but different in the way that I appreciate love and life and family in a new and totally different way. I am more introspective and for vulnerable. I am more strong yet more fragile. I can't think of how to explain my new me, but with time, and more written words, maybe I will be able to. Maybe I will be able to understand myself better. I guess that is a good start, to just write, and find myself as I go.
I have let so many things go, picked up new things. One thing that is super hard to let go- is the control of the babies. Nicole is getting to the point where she is seeing the world with more reality, like soon she is going to have to be out in it, and take care of herself, so she is finally circling back in. Confiding more, and wanting to spend more time with me. Jordan is still in the mist of "not needing parents" and he floats around the outside of our bubble. Ugh. Its hard and frustrating! Kira is not thinking she is old enough to join the others in the outer bubble. I miss her already! She is my baby! Little stinker. I see her growing and becoming more and more beautiful everyday. But man, the attitude is coming. Good thing this is not my first rodeo! But, thank goodness for Juliet! What would I do without her little snuggles! I just adore her. By the time she starts her rise to the outer bubbles, the others will be older and want to relate with Dave and I more...and the grand-babies can be my snuggle-bugs! Boy, a perfectly timed miracle!
I wonder if all the mistakes I made with my oldest children will harm them, if my recovery to sanity, patience and understanding, will not only benefit Juliet, but Nicole, Jordan, and Kira too! Everyone should have babies at 36! Well not really! I can feel the age. Everyday. I FEEL it. AS I have been working hard to lose weight, I FEEL better, but losing the pounds to move easier- it does not take away the age pains. But- It will be more helpful. But mentally- Its fantastic being an older mommy.
I remember the tantrums, the screaming, the not being able to deal with their naughty behavior. I remember feeling so exasperated, tired, and incompetent. I remember wondering why these babies were sent to me! I was not the best parent for them! But I was! How I wish I could have known that then! How I wish I could have enjoyed that time better! They were sent from heaven to me, because we needed each other! Things all of us learned from each other. How they prepared me for life! My life! Their life! I see Juliet tantrum. I hold back the giggles. I know if she does it- does not listen to me- acts like she does not have to listen to me- she is listening. She is learning, and will turn out to be a pretty good kid! I realize that its not my failures as a mother that makes them continue, or sometimes escalate, its her learning to function in a crazy world. I realize that its more about her than me, and it makes me react more calmly, more rationally, with makes her act the same. I wish that knowledge was some I have always had! I LOVE when she tells me NO! Stops her foot. (which is hilarious!!!) I love that I can look at her and kindly correct her- instead of taking as an attack on my parenting. I love that I am more aware of my parenting! Thank you for teaching this Juliet! How I needed her.
Nicole is recovering from her first broken heart. It brings back mine. It hurt so much. Beyond pain. THEN. Now it seems so trivial, and I tell her the overwhelming love she feels will pale in comparison that she will feel for her eternal companion. The man whom will look at her children and love them- he will hold her heart so much differently. She told me that she knows that its a "different love than you and Daddy have." (awe. Smart cookie that one.) But who knew that when I went through all of that, one of the reasons was to help my baby through it?! Again. Grateful for lessons learned.
Jordan is different since his scare. Older. More mature. Less yet more cautious. It breaks my heart that whatever lessons he learned, had to come at such a scary price. How I wish he never had felt like he did. How he would ask if he would die. It was a horrible conversation to have with your little boy. Oh- I am so glad he is here.
My lessons from Kira are on going- as we embark on a year of trying a new way to school her, I hope to find that someone will actually challenge her brilliant mind. A way that she grow and progress... lets see what we will learn.
I have a ways to go, but I have almost 38 years behind me...I am sure I have plenty more to pull from...I will let you know...
I have let so many things go, picked up new things. One thing that is super hard to let go- is the control of the babies. Nicole is getting to the point where she is seeing the world with more reality, like soon she is going to have to be out in it, and take care of herself, so she is finally circling back in. Confiding more, and wanting to spend more time with me. Jordan is still in the mist of "not needing parents" and he floats around the outside of our bubble. Ugh. Its hard and frustrating! Kira is not thinking she is old enough to join the others in the outer bubble. I miss her already! She is my baby! Little stinker. I see her growing and becoming more and more beautiful everyday. But man, the attitude is coming. Good thing this is not my first rodeo! But, thank goodness for Juliet! What would I do without her little snuggles! I just adore her. By the time she starts her rise to the outer bubbles, the others will be older and want to relate with Dave and I more...and the grand-babies can be my snuggle-bugs! Boy, a perfectly timed miracle!
I wonder if all the mistakes I made with my oldest children will harm them, if my recovery to sanity, patience and understanding, will not only benefit Juliet, but Nicole, Jordan, and Kira too! Everyone should have babies at 36! Well not really! I can feel the age. Everyday. I FEEL it. AS I have been working hard to lose weight, I FEEL better, but losing the pounds to move easier- it does not take away the age pains. But- It will be more helpful. But mentally- Its fantastic being an older mommy.
I remember the tantrums, the screaming, the not being able to deal with their naughty behavior. I remember feeling so exasperated, tired, and incompetent. I remember wondering why these babies were sent to me! I was not the best parent for them! But I was! How I wish I could have known that then! How I wish I could have enjoyed that time better! They were sent from heaven to me, because we needed each other! Things all of us learned from each other. How they prepared me for life! My life! Their life! I see Juliet tantrum. I hold back the giggles. I know if she does it- does not listen to me- acts like she does not have to listen to me- she is listening. She is learning, and will turn out to be a pretty good kid! I realize that its not my failures as a mother that makes them continue, or sometimes escalate, its her learning to function in a crazy world. I realize that its more about her than me, and it makes me react more calmly, more rationally, with makes her act the same. I wish that knowledge was some I have always had! I LOVE when she tells me NO! Stops her foot. (which is hilarious!!!) I love that I can look at her and kindly correct her- instead of taking as an attack on my parenting. I love that I am more aware of my parenting! Thank you for teaching this Juliet! How I needed her.
Nicole is recovering from her first broken heart. It brings back mine. It hurt so much. Beyond pain. THEN. Now it seems so trivial, and I tell her the overwhelming love she feels will pale in comparison that she will feel for her eternal companion. The man whom will look at her children and love them- he will hold her heart so much differently. She told me that she knows that its a "different love than you and Daddy have." (awe. Smart cookie that one.) But who knew that when I went through all of that, one of the reasons was to help my baby through it?! Again. Grateful for lessons learned.
Jordan is different since his scare. Older. More mature. Less yet more cautious. It breaks my heart that whatever lessons he learned, had to come at such a scary price. How I wish he never had felt like he did. How he would ask if he would die. It was a horrible conversation to have with your little boy. Oh- I am so glad he is here.
My lessons from Kira are on going- as we embark on a year of trying a new way to school her, I hope to find that someone will actually challenge her brilliant mind. A way that she grow and progress... lets see what we will learn.
I have a ways to go, but I have almost 38 years behind me...I am sure I have plenty more to pull from...I will let you know...
30 May, 2013
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