Asylum worthy

There are things going on, but its really hard for me to get them all straightened out in my mind. Being pregnant has always been hard for me. I feel like my brain is in charge of all my regular functions, and then growing a baby, it has nothing left to help me out with coherent thought, memory, or basic sanity skills. I feel like a kid with ADHD on too much caffeine and sugar. I can't remember a darn thing, and I can't seem to remember my phone number, my 10 year old bank account number, or how old I am if asked. I forget I have food baking in the oven, if my kids are at school, or if its even a weekday or not. I skip speaking mid-sentence. I don't even realize I was talking in the first place. I did get pretty flighty with the other pregnancies- but being old and pregnant is just a weird weird place for me.

I really worry if I am going to make it through this. My cousin went through a rough time like I did with her last child. She had 2 miscarriages, about the same point I did, then was able to carry her 4th to term with the help of the same drug regimen I was on. I remember being so excited for her and wondered why after all the time she spent waiting for that final child- why it took her 10 days to name him! I finally asked her, and while her answer was shocking to me, I am starting to understand it better every single passing day. I am feeling the same thing. SO instead of sharing her feelings- I will tell you mine, but they are very very similar.

I am sure at any moment we are still going to lose this baby. Before every ultra-sound I prepare myself for the words- Oh, there heart has stopped. With all the complications at the beginning, I knew every morning that THAT would be the day we lost our baby. Now, as I feel it move, it helps calm my fears, but if its been several hours, I am sure it is gone. I have never felt like this in my entire life! I know it sounds as f I have no faith at all. I do! I feel assured by my Father in Heaven each time I ask for it, but I still have to ask. I am sure He can see the psychosis of it all, and must understand it, because I have yet to feel like- Enough! Have more Faith! e is just being very patient with my, and holding my hand. I have been sent an angel OB to help me. He has told me that I may come in- ANYTIME, EVERYDAY if I need to for reassurance, because he wants me to be stress free. I have been put as a high risk pregnancy because of these factors, my age, my family history, and he worries right along with me. He has held my hand as I have cried in terror, when he does not see the need, but never a judging word. For that I am truly grateful.

With all these reassurances, I still feel as though loss is right around the corner. I feel insecure in the fact that I would deserve a sweet precious gift like our baby. I feel like I must have deserved all the pain for something I must have done wrong. I can think specifically of a wasted 2 years of my life that my have hurt everyone around me that I can never make up. Its all irrational, but I never claim to be sane.

I try to dream of holding my sweet smelling bundle. Its hard. I usually end up in tears. I usually picture holding someone else's baby. Mine is too far out of reach. I talk of "when" and "how" but I have nightmare-ish dreams of "what-if" and "I wonder when." Its been a rough road.

But I keep on the road. I keep myself busy. I try not to get wrapped up in my thoughts. I try to talk to the kids, read, crochet with the TV on, visit with friends, or chat with my dear, sweet, and enduring husband. It gets better everyday. I feel my little baby moving away right now. Right now I am happy. It sounds like I am horribly depressed. I am not. Just scared. Who knew pregnancy was so terrifying. I have never felt this way! 6th time is a charm??? Meh.

In a few weeks we will go back and see it. I hope at that point we will be able to cal it a she or a he. I hope it will help me feel closer, and stronger to it. But until then, I will keep my crazy to my self, and only for short periods of time.

I do have names for the baby. I have had almost 2 years of waiting to choose them. Well I have a few...have to kiss its little face and tell it its name before I can tell you...it may just end up looking just like a Fred or a Fredrica so I can't get too excited yet. Lets hope not okay?

Fooled me.

I guess the joke is on me. My little beebee is a stubborn thing- and hid far far away. I will get another peek in 3 weeks- as the baby's position was so poor that its heart was at a terrible angle too...medically warranting another ultrasound. THANK GOODNESS!

So November 8, we try this again. Man, why do ALL my kids have to be such toads!

We'll know something you don't know

To think that tomorrow at this time we will know if a little boy or a little girl will be coming home with us next year. To think that this unknown has been in my mind for 3 years now, and that tomorrow we will have an answer is literally- boggling! Our whole family is just excited! Kira has written cute messages on the white board about how special tomorrow is, Jordan is planning what to do with his little brother, (Oh- if its a girl baby in there, I hope he is ok with that!) and Nicole is hoping they find a baby cow! She thinks it would be too funny for them to tell me that I "was having a cow!" I guess that would be less embarrassing than her MOM having a baby. (Which I think is also quite comical! She can't think of anything worse than a mom of a high schooler having another baby!)

You know- we only knew that Nicole was a girl. With Jordan he hid from us...all 4 ultrasounds...too shy to let us know. On the night we had him, the anticipation was so much fun that we we were glad we did not know. Kira we just elected not to know from the beginning. But this time, we would like to wait, but realize that in our current situation, we need to prepare more! So tomorrow it is!

To the point...right...I will not be calling anyone to share our news. I won't post it here...for a while...not because we do not want to share...but because our family has come up with a cute idea! We have worked on it all weekend, designing, testing, and re-testing. Are you excited yet??? We will be handing/sending out these: Our very own Gender Scratch offs! (Hee hee...I know...its silly...but you KNOW you wanna get one!!!) So if you wanna know, get a card, and can't wait a few weeks.... send me a message! If you are here in Tooele, I will bring one by, and if you are away, send your address, and I will mail them! Our first batch will go out Tuesday morning. Our kids will be scratching theirs off Tuesday morning at breakfast! We are just excited!

Wish us luck!

rocking the Myles on ice.

I have a lot to write about. So much is going on, and my half broken pregnant brain can barely keep it all processed let alone write everything I need to write, but I still ought to keep on it, or else I will be buried alive in photos and stories! I have been spending a lot of time at home. I have been sewing and crocheting for my baby. You realize I have nothing for a baby...nothing at all....I at least hope to have blankets for it when it arrives.

Dave is pretty funny. he has been a great student, in his books 6 hours a day. Really- that much. This last week he had it confirmed that 3 of the four classes, he is doing very well in, and in fact a 100% on his programming mid-term. (But seriously, I know he can program, but you have to have this piece of paper proving you can and all...) He has however, had concerns about his physics class. While he totally grasped the concepts he reads in the text...yah- his brain is NOT my brain... he still felt like he was not doing so well in the class. He stopped at the professors desk on his way out of class after the mid-term was handed back this week, and told the teacher he was concerned with his grade. Ha- Apparently he has the top grade, as the teacher grades on the curve, and "Most people do not wrap their minds around physics. you have got this one in the bag." Ok then- Mr. Student can again rest in peace and be sure he is my personal rock-star. Because you know its everyones dream to be MY rock-star- right??? I am the final judge and jury on the subject. In my little world anyway.

Nicole has had a hard week. I just have one question. WHY oh why does someone who Nicole cut out of her life, constantly try to worm in a little poison here and there? Why not just let it go, leave the poor kid alone. Makes a mom wanna scream.

Myles was blessed this last weekend by his Daddy. It was very sweet and wonderful. Myles is a very cute, nice baby, who we all just love. Mark's family loves him bunches too- but I claim him as my fuzzy. No one else gets to...well Jordan seems to think he is his fuzzy too. I don't know if its Jordan just dreaming of a younger brother... but we will all have to see on that front. Next week you know... but don't get too excited. I get to know before all of you. I wonder if Chellee gets baby hungry sometimes. She swears she doesn't. I don't know... a look says a thousand words. Alex brought sweet little Annabelle. she loves Daddy most, but Poppy is a close second. We also had the opportunity to go iceblocking! You know- that think you used to do on dates with hot guys you wanted to impress? I remember doing it on Old Main Hill in Logan, and ruining a few good pairs of shorts! One thing I don't remember is how FUNNY people look going down the hill, how you hope for a really good fall, how COLD your butt gets, or how heavy that block of ice seems to feel in the way back up the endless hill! LUCKILY for me- ice blocking is not a Dr. Daddy approved sport for pregnant mommies...I just had the pleasure of watching it all unfold. Timm is a pro. I like the biffin' it photos. Kira- is about to be plowed over by Uncle Timm. Hollee leaps off before a crash landing. Smart girl. I needed a picture of Jack. He is not excited about the prospect of sitting in a frozen sled. Jordan could really get some speed...and did not like to share his block of ice. Michelle loves iceblocking. Her face is the best of all...when she biffs it, and then she laughs. Dave did not like to share his block either. IN FACT he had never been iceblocking before! Can you believe it? A Cache Valley boy, who never blocked Old Main! I am kind of sad. Timm always had the best crashes. Jordan's rocked too. Dave has made up for lost time...he wants to go again,and again... Look
OUT!!! yah...someone had to roll out of the way... Ali was not going too fast at first, but really got into it...getting faster as the grass became more wet. Eli and Timm were on a kamikaze mission. Sadly Nicole only had her good school jeans on...she is ready for us to go again, so she does not have to watch the festivities... I am not exactly sure why she felt she needed to watch them from a tree though. Eli was loving it...Kira loves chasing the blockers. Dave and Timm are already planning next trip...they are thinking more along the lines for ice block Chairing... yah... Wish us luck!

More already?

I found some pictures from last week- I thought they were fun because Nicole took them. I love her.
Dave and his mom Dave being odd? Myah not ready for a photo? Kelli, Christina, Dave andMom
Dad- worried about my coughing fit
Jordan and corn

Dave the Egyptian?
I don't even wanna know
Zac
Des- with a CUTE dirty face

happy birthday to Jordan!

I can't believe that I have 2 teenagers! Jordan just turned 13 this Sunday, and its now real! Boy teenagers are definitely different that girl teenagers. I do have spouts of attitude, but its much much MUCH less. Jordan is a fantastic kid. How I love him! He is funny and smart, and knows just when I still need him to be my little boy too. He is responsible and kind, and tells funny jokes...mostly he claims that it is a Brother Nelson joke, but hey! I am ok with that! Give credit where credit is due! Samantha Q is a dollyBeautiful Annabelle

I worked really hard for him to have a nice birthday party! I cooked all day Saturday! I roasted pumpkins, make 70 rolls, I made cake and frosting, and prepped for out conference hot soup birthday party! We had Taco Soup, Creamy potato soup, and Thai Pumpkin soup, yummy rolls and a HUGE white cake with key lime butter cream frosting! Thanks for a beautiful decoration job Teresa!
It was super yummy! Jordan loved his family, dinner, and gifts! New Fishing Pole, tackle bag, and all the gear from Nanny and PoppyA new Fishing vest from Poppy! Jordan LOVES! this magic tricks! Dave on the way too small new BMX Jordan loves!

It turned out to be such a nice day. (sidebar: I was so pooped out, I did absolutely NOTHING yesterday! I crocheted and napped. Its all I could muster!)

Happy Birthday my sweet wonderful- favoritist boy in the entire world! I love love love you!