Stating the Obvious

(Free free to skip this post- journal purposes only)
To say that I am happy is beyond an understatement. the last 3 weeks- with the last week being the worst- have been so difficult- words cannot describe them. At times I felt so incredibly selfish being so unhappy. Why should I feel THIS horrible??? I have a fantastic life! My children are smart, courageous, funny, healthy, beautiful, and generally happy. My husband is incredible beyond all logic. Our home is nice, ours, in a great neighborhood, in perfect working order, and absolutely cool. I have money to pay the bills, and go to the movies if a decent one would come out. I have an adorable dog, who reminds me I MUST be the most important person on the planet, or he would not adore me so, and I am eating fantastic, can see my clothes becoming lose, and rarely miss my diet Pepsi anymore. Yet- consumed with guilt , frustration, and worry- I spent half my night worried and awake. Tuesday- I lost it completely! I had to find my way, or I knew I would be in trouble.
With help from David, a wise leader, and time on my knees in prayer- I decided the time was almost here for me to leave my job and trust that we would be alright. A new friend was even kind enough to see my need, and drove me to the temple on Thursday. Help came in so many forms- I can't believe I ever doubted that we would be taken care of. My decision was made- and asked the Lord to make it QUITE PLAIN if He wanted it another way.

Working has left me so unhappy. For those who say that it didn't or couldn't effect my kids- yah seriously- not true. They were fine- fed, safe, and entertained. But they have become a bit more...wild- if that can be the ONE word I would use to describe the change in them over the last 6 months. Not to mention the perpetual high school-esk atmosphere at work. the drama, backbiting, and pretentious behaviors of people who think they are better at thier jobs than you are of yours. Who knew it could be so soul killing!?

So fresh from my new decision- I would rebuild the food storage we consumed last fall when we were so house poor, pay the last bit of my student loan, the gym- (who would not release me from my contract when we moved 70 miles from their location...stupid fine print) and save enough money for an emergency. This would not take too much longer- Before next summer for sure- or maybe even the new year. I also had every intention of working very hard- and succeeding in my work goals while there. I was ok with the decision- and ready to go!
Then there it was- the moment of being QUITE PLAIN- the Lord let me know it was OK for me to leave...right then- we would be alright, and another way would be provided. He did not want me and my children to be so unhappy. To have to live with the deceitful, self worth damaging environment- was something I did NOT have to do. And SO- I did. Finished my shift- and left. I will not be going back- I will be here- cleaning my house, making the bread, learning to clip coupons, walking the kids to school, making their lunches, and excitedly awaiting their returns. I will not be too tired and drained to listen to them, help them, or tuck them into bed. I will not have to be in bed before them- and holy cow! check this out! STAY UP with ave having time alone with him after the kids go to bed!!! Who would have thought!!???

When I picked up my kids from school and told them- They were SO happy. The girls more so than Jordan- but I bet he is happier than he let on... Silly boys. Kira asked if I would walk her EVERY day... I told her " For a while- but not every day!" In the snow?! She must have forgotten who her mother was! Was I working THAT long?! What a nut! I did not volunteer one time last year in their school. I spent the previous 6 years at schools helping out at LEAST 3 days a week! I am sure that did not go unnoticed by them!

And last- David. He has been a pillar of strength, support, and love throughout this whole ordeal. Put my kids to bed when I fell down form exhaustion. Rudely awaken at 3:45 am when I had to crawl out of bed. Did not murmur when the phone rang at all hours with problems I had to go into work to fix. Patiently waited through my tears, rubbed my burning feet, pretended not to smell the incessant garlic butter, survived my ornery, tired outbursts, ate the thrown together- undesirable dinners, provided words of encouragement, love , and comic relief when I needed it. finally, when I called and told him " I am walking out of here today- and never coming back." he said- "Good- we are going to be alright." Every moment of doubt since I did so- he has reassured me. I could never have done this- without him. NOT ever.
Now I put my trust in the Lord to help us through this. As we do what he has asked- I know we will be blessed.