Boring much?

Something I have noticed. I think I was once pretty entertaining on this blog. Some of the stuff from 2008/2009 is pretty darn hilarious! I read back and think...where the heck is that girl? It kind of has bothered me and made me feel sad and lonely for that person. I know when she left. When I lost my first baby. I became so sad and lost...trying to figure out what lesson I was needing to learn. Then the second. That almost put me in the looney bin! Still no idea what ?I was being taught by that life lesson... then with Juliet coming- I felt myself coming back...and I figured out the purpose of my trials. But I was still not that snarky girl I once was... but I kinda figured it out! I know. I am a genius. I can't help it really. All my silly snarky posts came from a woman who was either frustrated, irritated, or discombobulated at the moment of writing. Since I am always so ridiculously happy and grateful all the time now...I have no reason to feel that way...leaving me sappy and just wanting to post pictures of my wonderful family and life all the time. Easy Peasy...mystery solved.

It does not mean life is perfect. Nope. I just have a new perspective. I still feel frustrated. I often feel alone in my ideas. I swear people think I am nuts for my cloth diaper endeavor. (and they are just plain wrong! They are the most fabulous things ever! I would never go back! They are easy. Clean up wonderfully, and yep- I never wonder how I am gonna pay for diapers this week...or even dread going to Wal-Mart to pick them up!) I totally respect everyone else's plan to buy paper diapers..but am pleased with my own green solution! No 500 diapers to live in landfills for 200 years from this house baby! I spend time breastfeeding my baby. LOTS of time. Time I would never trade a soul on this Earth doing. For anything! But why is it that such an inconvenience for anyone else? Why would you care when, where, why, and for how long I do it? I have every right to feed my child the way I see fit...just like you did. So yah- that bugs too... but like I said, I just see things differently now.

Now I see things as a gift everyday. My frustrations though not necessarily unique to me, are mine, and they are for me to live through and grow from. Growth is good right? I have a different support group now. One that I never expected. A group of ladies who heard my inner most thoughts about life and loss and love whom I have never met. All through an on-line support group for my darkest patch, they became my social rock. Then never told me it was time to move on, time to learn life's lesson and buck up, just loved me until I was ready to do it on my own. They have clothed the naked baby, mailed me pregnancy tests, sent nightgowns, wraps, Christmas cards, pictures, and love... all to this simple girl who needed them as much as they needed me. To tell I can never repay. This left my "in person" friends to only see the more stable me, the smiling me, and the safe me. It was probably much better this way. I needed both. Its strange huh?

With my happier me- I don't blog about the sarcastic stuff...(even though Kelli- we use that word wrong...it was the REAL sarcastic stuff I was blogging about...not my unserious side! So that is good right?) anymore. I have no need...I feel too grateful to worry about it. I love my life...even never seeing Dave (school will be over someday and it will be sweet!) my teenage daughter (she is hard...but easy at the same time.) We have a rocky relationship...I am the mom, she wished I was not...but she counts me as a friend. (how I managed that- is beyond me... in fact I told my mom 2 days ago that she she stop beating herself up for checking out of our teenage years... its not all they are cracked up to be! She told me that I am already a better mom than she ever can be...because I am sticking it out. Poor mom. I bet she beats herself up over that one all the time!) My son's new found whineyness. Yay for teenage boys? At least he still lets me hug him...but SHHHH! don't tell anyone or I will be in trouble! So yah- I have my issues...but they are worth the end game. The Game where I am Mom, Wife, Daughter, Friend. I win!

SO Again- I turned on the camera to get a pic I took for a friend and found some that my children must have taken of their baby sister. They love her. Its a joy to watch. I must have been cleaning the kitchen and they went camera crazy... can't blame them there...she is a cutie pie. I think those are Jordan's hands. She must be trying to convince them to pic her up. Loves those fingers! I Moose have a hug! More fingers! and hmmm...I think Nicole was drawing a mustache on my baby's face... Well...Nicole eventually falls asleep too...I know where she lives...Payback is always fun....