There are things going on, but its really hard for me to get them all straightened out in my mind. Being pregnant has always been hard for me. I feel like my brain is in charge of all my regular functions, and then growing a baby, it has nothing left to help me out with coherent thought, memory, or basic sanity skills. I feel like a kid with ADHD on too much caffeine and sugar. I can't remember a darn thing, and I can't seem to remember my phone number, my 10 year old bank account number, or how old I am if asked. I forget I have food baking in the oven, if my kids are at school, or if its even a weekday or not. I skip speaking mid-sentence. I don't even realize I was talking in the first place. I did get pretty flighty with the other pregnancies- but being old and pregnant is just a weird weird place for me.
I really worry if I am going to make it through this. My cousin went through a rough time like I did with her last child. She had 2 miscarriages, about the same point I did, then was able to carry her 4th to term with the help of the same drug regimen I was on. I remember being so excited for her and wondered why after all the time she spent waiting for that final child- why it took her 10 days to name him! I finally asked her, and while her answer was shocking to me, I am starting to understand it better every single passing day. I am feeling the same thing. SO instead of sharing her feelings- I will tell you mine, but they are very very similar.
I am sure at any moment we are still going to lose this baby. Before every ultra-sound I prepare myself for the words- Oh, there heart has stopped. With all the complications at the beginning, I knew every morning that THAT would be the day we lost our baby. Now, as I feel it move, it helps calm my fears, but if its been several hours, I am sure it is gone. I have never felt like this in my entire life! I know it sounds as f I have no faith at all. I do! I feel assured by my Father in Heaven each time I ask for it, but I still have to ask. I am sure He can see the psychosis of it all, and must understand it, because I have yet to feel like- Enough! Have more Faith! e is just being very patient with my, and holding my hand. I have been sent an angel OB to help me. He has told me that I may come in- ANYTIME, EVERYDAY if I need to for reassurance, because he wants me to be stress free. I have been put as a high risk pregnancy because of these factors, my age, my family history, and he worries right along with me. He has held my hand as I have cried in terror, when he does not see the need, but never a judging word. For that I am truly grateful.
With all these reassurances, I still feel as though loss is right around the corner. I feel insecure in the fact that I would deserve a sweet precious gift like our baby. I feel like I must have deserved all the pain for something I must have done wrong. I can think specifically of a wasted 2 years of my life that my have hurt everyone around me that I can never make up. Its all irrational, but I never claim to be sane.
I try to dream of holding my sweet smelling bundle. Its hard. I usually end up in tears. I usually picture holding someone else's baby. Mine is too far out of reach. I talk of "when" and "how" but I have nightmare-ish dreams of "what-if" and "I wonder when." Its been a rough road.
But I keep on the road. I keep myself busy. I try not to get wrapped up in my thoughts. I try to talk to the kids, read, crochet with the TV on, visit with friends, or chat with my dear, sweet, and enduring husband. It gets better everyday. I feel my little baby moving away right now. Right now I am happy. It sounds like I am horribly depressed. I am not. Just scared. Who knew pregnancy was so terrifying. I have never felt this way! 6th time is a charm??? Meh.
In a few weeks we will go back and see it. I hope at that point we will be able to cal it a she or a he. I hope it will help me feel closer, and stronger to it. But until then, I will keep my crazy to my self, and only for short periods of time.
I do have names for the baby. I have had almost 2 years of waiting to choose them. Well I have a few...have to kiss its little face and tell it its name before I can tell you...it may just end up looking just like a Fred or a Fredrica so I can't get too excited yet. Lets hope not okay?
4 comments:
I don't think you're crazy, I totally understand! Because our loss was so late in the pregnancy I'm still worried. I did allow myself to buy some sleepers at the consignment sale the other day but I look at them everyday and wonder if he'll ever wear them... Hang in there. Keep praying, hopefully in a few months we'll both be snuggling those little ones!
I understand how you feel. I am sorry for your losses but happy with you for this one. I keep you in my prayers and look forward to the day I hear you have your sweet baby in your arms. Give he/she a kiss for me. Love you!
I totally get it. And for me, it was also pregnancy number 6. Maybe there's something to that! I had the nightmares, the fears, the irrational thoughts. Derrick listened to me, although he knew I was irrational. He gave me blessings. I was still terrified. I cried hysterically all the way to the hospital the morning of the c-section. I felt like everything was so out of my control, and I hated it. But....it all ended up ok. Here we are with little Des that makes me crazy every day...and I love it!
I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this! As you know I never lost a baby, but even I feared that I would..every time. It's a horrible, helpless feeling that doesn't ever really go away until you're holding that wet, warm, blue baby and rubbing it and kissing and hugging it. Oh, I'm so excited for you!!! I can't wait to hold it and kiss it, too!! I just got very, very excited for you, and even a little JEALOUS! I'd love one more, but then again I wouldn't. :)
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