more healing.

I keep having this terrifying thought that I am going to spend the next 4 months being lost and and sad every time I think of a sweet little baby. I was FINALLY ready and willing to be happy and found myself again when I was pregnant again. I SO do not wanna go through that again. Its hard to fathom that it will be easier this time, but in a way....sort of...it is. I know what feelinging I want to avoid, the bitterness, and anger...All the anger does is make me feel more sad and unproductive. Its just covering up what I really feel anyway, which is sad. For my loss or the fat dimply little knuckles I planned on kissing. Scared. Scared that I may have to put my self out there and risk it happening again. Confused. Confused as to why I keep feeling there is a baby out there for us, but we keep losing them???

Last night we decided to do something out of the house and fun. While we were driving Jordan told me that if we do decide to have another baby, "not to tell" him about it. He does NOT want to know I am pregnant-" until the baby is born." As laughable as that is- considering how icky I feel, and how humongous I will look, the poor kid is"sick of it" and hates hearing that his baby brother or sister has died. He said he does not want to "go through that ever again!" Poor kid- Mr. Tender heart. Well ya know Jordan- NEITHER DO I!!!

We all did have a great time together last night, and we laughed and enjoyed eachother's company. The kids missed Youth groups tonight- but our family NEEDED more than one family night this week. We needed to be together, and enjoy the unity we have as a family! I am so glad we went out.

I guess I better go get ready for work... oh has that been hard! I am on day 7 of a migraine. (Last miscarriage it was the 14 day migraine...remember??? Stupid hormone crashes!!!) But knowing last time it was 2 weeks- how am I supposed to not work?? I already took enough time off while I hurt like mad- and cried like a baby! So I go and suffer through my pain, and am a bit more snippy with my kids. I hope they understand someday. (my middle schoolers...they seem to be oblivious any way.) But being there also helps. Like a sweet little boy I work with. Ok- so he is extra special to me because we have this bond ya know... He comes running to me- because I have been gone for a week- and throws his arms around me. Pulls back all grins- puts his hands on my cheeks, and says- "You are sick?" I told him, "I am getting better." He smiles even bigger-( I do not know how its possible- but his can grow infinitely.) He nods and says. "Ok." My heart melted and his sweet perfect love added a few stitches to my broken heart. Really it did. I think of that moment when I need to feel his joy- and it adds a few more. I depend on others joy right now to boost mine- and his is so pure, it works wonders. I sure love that kid!

So between the best husband, who is filling my cup, my fabulous family, and our needed extra family nights, and my "other kids" we are getting there!