I always say more than I should on the blog. I figure that if people do not want to ready my craziness- they do not have to. So be forwarned- it may all be more than you want to know. Feel free to skip!
Yesterday -early- I lost our baby. It is beyond my untalented fingers to type the words of sadness I feel.
The profound loss is undefinable. We wanted our baby so badly- and to have it taken back is just awful. Yet my heart and soul are filled with peace. Peace that he is ok. Peace that my family is forever. Peace that my Father in Heaven knows of our desire for another child. Peace that I don't have to understand all things to know that I will be blessed through my trials, and peace that it was not our fault that he was unable to make his life here on Earth with us. I can just cherish the time I did have with him.
My goodness tho! So horrible! Going through the last 3 months of the worst misery I have ever lived for and NO BABY. Yuck! I can not wish that on my worst enemy! (You see- I have many. hahaha!) And Yesterday- no thanks- all that pain with nothing to look forward to at the end. again. No thanks. If it did not seem so cruel- it would almost be comical! But that is just me- trying to laugh instead of cry- to make it hurt a little less!
Another sad thing. Yes- its painful to even admit. I feel better today than I have in 3 months! I had fatigue, food aversions, and pain until 5 hours before I lost the baby. Strangely- none of it stopped until the baby was gone. So I finally feel ok- tho I would trade it all in a heartbeat to have him back.
My doctor was really wonderful. I had to go in yesterday to get my Rhogam shot. We spoke and he told me not to worry- I was perfectly healthy and all my pregnancies have been squeaky clean. We can have another one in a month if we want. (A month- would that make me feel like I was pregnant for an entire year??? oh yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck!)
I will not need a D&C thankfully- I just want to rest.
My dear sweet husband, who also lost a baby yesterday, who has taken such care of me. He has been amazing these last months. Really stepped up and did everything. Then took care of me through the pain, and my sorrow. He kept my mind busy all day yesterday, and if he did not have to work today, I am sure he would have done it all over again today. I love him so dearly. He is truley a perfect husband. (and has a great head of hair! heeheee heee.)
So here I sit. Sad beyond measure. Lonely for the little dimpley hands and knees that will not be mine to kiss- for a lifetime. At peace that my Heavenly Father loves me, is aware of me, and keeping my little guy safe until I have a chance to be there for him. My emotions are all over the place. I just want to feel happy. Even if its just for a moment. I will take my moments one at a time until the pain passes into a soft longing that I can deal with. I call, or a smile, or a beautiful daughter who tells me- "thanks for making me a big sister Mommy! I will be a good example for our baby in heaven." That does not make me sad. It gives me joy. Maybe I will go pick some flowers to put on my table to give me a moment of joy when I walk past them. (they will have to be someone ELSE'S flowers!) and I will live for the pain to diminish. Then dream (and dread) of when I can be pregnant again.
16 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss. Me and my husband lost our baby last October due to a miscarriage. It was the most horrible thing ever. I know there is not much that others can say that help but I am glad you have faith in the Lord through this horrible time that is the only thing that got us through! God Bless :)
Gabrielle, my heart is broken for you. I can't tell you and your family how sorry I am. I'm coming to see you when Dallin wakes up in a few hrs.
You don't even know how I wish I was there for you right now. I am soo sad. I am so sorry. I wish I could cry with you and hug you forever. I burst into tears as soon as I saw the title of this post, because I knew what it meant, without even reading it. I wish I was there. I hate all the states that are inbetween me and you right now.
Thank goodness for sweet Dave.
Please know that I love you tons. I miss you so much.
Gabrielle, I am so sorry!! I know EXACTLY what you are going through and my heart breaks!!! I am sorry!!!
You are just Amazing! I can never say it enough but, I really am Sorry! I know what your going through and it is beyond hard! I want you to know I am thinking of you and if there is anything I can do don't hesitate to ask!!
What can I possibly say that would make you feel even the slightest bit better? Probably nothing. I've been thinking about you though. Give Kira a big hug for me. It must be hard for little ones to understand, but you are setting a really good example with your level of faith. Hang in there Gabe.
I am so sorry Gabrielle! Is there anything I can do for you? I wish i could be there right now to give you a hug. Please let me know if you need my help with anything.
babytantansmom@live.com
I was hoping when I saw the title of the post that it wouldn't be what it ended up being. I'm so very very sorry. I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you and your family--I know how much you all wanted to have this baby in your family. Please let me know if I can do anything.
Gabrielle, I am so sorry for the loss for you and your family. Your Heavenly Father loves you so much and is feeling your pain even now. I know you will have your good days and bad, but know that your little one is in heaven, happy to know that he had such a wonderful mother as you.
Gabrielle, I'm truly sorry for your loss, I really am! i am here for you! Even though we don't know each other very well, I really want to do something for you and want you to know my heart is broken for you!Love Tabitha
I am so sorry, the other day, I asked how you were and I was thinking of the morning sickness, and well, I am a dork, and I am sorry.
I just keep thinking that there must be so many spirits that need to come here, that some can only come for a very short time, to make room for more spirits that need to be here on earth for longer.
I am sorry if you would rather not hear my thoughts, but I can't help but think that through all of the many losses that have been happening. this was a beautiful post.
I can't say I've felt the pain your going through, because we all feel it differently when these things happen. But the way you worded your feelings in your post brought to surface so many of my own heartaches over the years. It just really STINKS! And it's hard to not question Why? But through it all, I can look back and honestly say that the Lord had my life in His hands, and he knew me a lot better than I knew myself - and He blessed me with exactly what I needed, when I needed it. Keep having faith in Him, and he will take care of you too!
So sorry for your loss.
Wow- you guys are amazing. I appreciate all of your kindness. I just wish it would hurry up and be easy! I just miss him so bad.
oh gabby,i am SO sorry!!! we lost one in between jordan & keilani so i like many others know what you are going through. there are no words to express the deep sense of loss but it does get better in time...i love you and am glad you are doing ok,for the most part.
XOXOXO
Gabrielle,
When I heard of your loss my heart ached for you. I know how much it hurts and the discourage that comes along with it.I'm telling you From experience that being pregnant for pretty much a full year is worth it all!! Don't give up. You seem to have the right outlook on it and a great spirit about you. You're not alone. Thankfully you have the savior at your side helping you out through it all!!!
Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.
Oh, Gabe & Dave, I am so sorry!!! I understand. That's all I have to say, and you are loved!
Post a Comment