It has been an entire month since I have written anything. So much has been going on- so much that I even need to say, but I guess I have been avoiding it on purpose because I am not sure what I have in my head is very pretty right now. I figure if I just stay away, maybe something funny will appear, and my thoughts will not be so harsh!
Having a teenage daughter I am sure is hard for everyone. But having one who is suffering from anxiety has got to be test of my patience. We have been struggling here for a while, never knowing when our daughter is going to lose and spend the next 6 hours screaming and tirading or sobbing. We are doing many things to help her, but its HARD. Finally with the help of a sleeping medication, she is sleeping all night, which has eliminated literally 80% of the drama. Maybe the other 20% is typical teenage stuff Our daughter is actually a happy person these days, and maybe in time, she will feel good about herself. I have just suffered through this, watching her fight for her happiness. I was not be able to help her. Well, I should go back- I have been there to "fill her cup" before classes, and give her my classroom to sob in while at school. I also removed her from a class that really sets off the anxiety. Maybe I helped. Now I am just happy to have my daughter back.
With more time to focus on everyone else, we have been working hard on getting stuff dome for scouts. Lots to do still, but should have some progression very soon. thank goodness that during the last few hard months, Greg and Bryan who have taken their callings seriously has brought Jordan through most of his Tenderfoot, 2nd class, and 1/2 of his 1st class ranks, leaving just the things a family needs to help with. Jordan will be working on his Star class by the end of the summer I think! What a good little scouter. He is a good little 12 year old. Always helping, always loving.
Time to get pulled into the downward spiral of sad for me. I keep thinking of the babies we have lost and where they would be now. It is not a wise path. I keep trying to figure out what I was supposed to learn from these trials, and I know its there somewhere, I just wish I knew what it was. Feeling as though I can't talk about it with anyone does not help. I am sure my friends would be kind and listen, but I feel like my constant sadness about it is a burden no one really wants to bear. It is so hard and sad, and if I could only understand what I was supposed to learn form the trial, maybe it would help. Or maybe not. I just feel lost.
When I try to reach out, I swear it blows up in my face. After speaking my heart, my children coming home in tears from being yelled at about something that was out of their control- I feel done. Like I need to enclose my arms tighter to include just them- and Dave and run into the hills screaming. Screaming like a crazy person does not help, but at least I know my babies will be spared form pain. When I have miserable kids, crying buckets, because they are sure they have no friends to play with anymore, the momma bear comes out and makes the hard stuff seem small- I am here to protect them. To love them.
See the wild meanderings of my mind. So much to say- and it makes sense to me. I am sorry if it all seems so random. It is- and its not.
Last - Wednesday Dave was told that on the 27th his firm was closing shop- mostly. He WILL be unemployed for real. No job- of course why not? I won't be working in 2 weeks. Why not have NO money coming in at the same time!!! If It was during the school year- I could possibly take care of everything with my paycheck until work was found- but no- now is the time its to happen. Figures right. At least David is a pillar of strength through all of this. He is wonderful, supportive, and brave. He leads me to a safe place, a place where I know he loves me, where my Father in Heaven loves me, and knows our needs. He also takes my cup of crazy, and loves me anyway.
Maybe I will wake up in September- and things will be back to normal. I doubt it.
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6 comments:
hang in there, that is all I can say. I feel like I've been right where you are (except with the teenager not quite there yet)and it sucks! But sometime the sun will come out and you will be a better person because of all the rain. I know these are just words. But this I know for sure! our Heavenly Father knows us and loves us and takes care of us! I will pray for you!
I am so sorry things are so hard. All I can say is this. I know how this feels. I really do. Service helps. I know this sounds weird but serving others helps to make your own problems manageable. Trials are hard to get through but the blessings always come when we get through it. Hang in there friend. I love you and I know our Heavenly Father does too. Try to be positive. It really helps. I will call! Love you!!!
I'm like Stephanie, it seems like anything I might say will just seem like useless words, especially during such a hard time. all I can think to say is that so many people love you (including little me) and want to be there to listen or help. you're in my prayers, you really are.
I came across your blog this morning. And while reading this entry it totally reminded me of me. When you talk about Nicole suffering from anxiety and the pain it brings to her and yourself. I have suffered from anxiety my whole life. Its pretty crappy, I know. Reading about how this all makes you feel, makes me think of the hardship my Mom went through with me. I wish I could tell you something that would help you two. But for me we didn't find anything that really helped me before she passed away. While she was alive I remember going to different doctors an being put on medication. I wasn't good at taking it and didn't think it worked but if you talk to my Grandma she will tell you it made a big difference. Sorry for all this nonsense. As I have gotten older I have learned how to cope with it. Its not always easy. Will I guess I just want to say I love you. This is your cousin Teresa if you didn't know that.
I haven't read blogs in a while....and wow. I'm sorry Gabe. We love you and can certainly pray for you. And we love Nicole so so much. So next time she's having an anxiety melt down, give her a big hug and tell her it's from me.
Also, I want you to know, that I never dare to bring up the baby thing, because I don't want to open a wound that may be healing. So PLEASE feel free to talk to me, if I don't bring it up. I'm just never sure if you want to talk or if you want to talk to me. I never really know what to say, but I do know how to listen.
Hang in there. We really love you guys, and hope that this employment door that is closing will lead to a better one that is opening.
Love you.
Kelli
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